You're getting sleepy ...

In case you didn't notice, I'm a worrier. I worry about lots of stuff. I even worry about how much I worry. (Heck, it's right there in the subtitle of this blog.) I get anxious. I get anxious that I'm too anxious. It's a vicious cycle. But I recently realized that I worry to protect myself. Somewhere in my twisted logic, I have decided that when I worry and things turn out OK, it's because I worried so much. The trick is for me to learn to accept that I'm a worrier and that just who I am.

All this came from an appointment I had yesterday. As I mentioned a while back, a friend gave me a hypnosis CD and a certificate for a session with the therapist. I finally got around to making the appointment and saw her yesterday. It was enlightening. We spent about half the session discussing what I wanted to get out of it and the other half actually doing some hypnosis. We decided that the worrying wasn't really a problem because it actually works for me. Like I said before, it may be twisted logic, but worrying protects me, so why change that.

Instead, we decided that something I needed to work on was "living in the moment," being "present" in the here and now rather than always looking at what comes next. So, instead of thinking about all the possible problems I could have during the remainder of my pregnancy, all the things that could go wrong during childbirth, all the issues that the child of an advanced-maternal-age mother could have, I need to just enjoy the pregnancy and live in the moment.

There was a time in my life I would have written that -- and hypnosis -- off as psychobabble and a bunch of hooey, but at this point in my life, I know I need to do something different -- for my own sanity. So, after a discussion about how hypnosis isn't like what you see on TV -- she can't make you act like a chicken, there's no swinging pocket watch, you don't get sleepy, very sleepy -- I got comfortable and prepared for the session.

You have to be open to hypnosis. If you don't believe in it, it won't work. As she explained it, some people are very receptive and go deep into their subconscious. Most people, however, kind of drift in and out. Which is what happened to me.

Whatever the explanation, calming music combined with her soothing voice and peaceful images definitely made me feel more relaxed -- a feeling that lasted throughout the rest of the day. She even recorded the session so I can listen to it again and again.

Being pregnant at 42 is pretty damn scary, but I'm grateful to find a way to relax (even just a little) about it all. I know being less anxious is better for me and better for the baby. But up until yesterday I couldn't think of a way to calm my nerves. I'll still worry. But I'm not going to worry so much about worrying.