Daddy Talk: Family

I don't like my mother. There I said it. I love her, but I don't like her.

I moved my family in with my mother this past summer. I sold my house faster than expected with the plans to move into a job in Longmont or Oregon. Suffice it to say that I didn't get the job but pressed on with the house sale figuring it was time to get out of the neighborhood anyway and establish roots in a house for my family. I thought that it would be a good opportunity for Milo to bond with his grandmother because she really didn't come around, maybe five times in the two years of his life.  She did get a chance to spend more time with him but none of it turned out how I wanted. It was six months of staying with her and maybe a total of one month of good.

Some things I learned from this whole escapade was that sometimes crazy is just crazy. My mom has been unstable since as far back as I can remember. As long as I can remember she had bouts of manic behavior. Really happy in one instance and boatloads of angry and crazy in another. I always wished for some different behavior and continuously was surprised that the same old thing happened over and over. I was unlucky enough to have that growing up and I don't know why I wanted Milo to go through that.

I think my bonds with Pam and my family have improved because of this.

There were definitely hard times and angry words between us all but I hope we are all better now. What I really wanted was a family, a normal family. I love my aunts and uncles because they are a bond to my dad. I love the family that it all entails. I also love the family that Pam brings.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 29

I am grateful for a wonderful Thanksgiving.

The food was good -- always grateful for someone else cooking. The food was plentiful -- grateful that we always have enough to eat. The company was good -- always grateful for the love of my family.

And the faces were silly. I'm always grateful for laughter.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 28

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am grateful for my family. We're a little bit of a mixed bunch and we've had some losses that hurt pretty badly. But also some recent additions that have brought a lot of happiness.

Maybe becoming a mom myself has made me appreciate my family a lot more. Whatever the reason, I'm glad that I have gotten closer to them. I can't imagine not having these wonderful people to spend the holiday with.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 23

I am thankful for the interstate highway system. Without it, getting back east to see family would be a long and arduous trip -- think covered wagon train.

"Although the Interstate System accounts for about 1.1 percent of the Nation's total public road mileage, it carries 24 percent of all highway travel. " - The Eisenhower Interstate Highway System Web site Interstate Fact of the Day

Sure, we could fly. But it's pretty pricey to fly the three of us, especially now that Milo needs a seat of his own. And we wouldn't get to see other family along the way.

Traveling with a 2-year-old is always an adventure, but thank goodness for clean rest stops and safe roads.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 22

I am grateful for my dad. I know I don't always appreciate him. And we don't always see eye to eye. But he's my dad and he worked hard to earn money to raise four kids. And we four kids turned out OK. We all have great kids ourselves so we must have learned something from him.

Daddy's girl

He had a stroke several years ago. I think it changed him in inexplicable ways. I often forget what it was like before. I do remember we had a pretty good childhood -- with both parents around. It was a pretty traditional - "normal" - family life. And for that, I'm grateful.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 16

I am grateful that I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family in Illinois. It's been more than a year since I've seen most of my family back "home." My lovely niece was out here to visit this summer. And I got to go back to see my nephew graduate from high school last May. That was the last time I saw two of my brothers and their families. And it's been longer than that since I saw my brother who lives in Michigan. We haven't seen him and his family since Thanksgiving two years ago. We need to remedy that.

I don't think Milo really remembers his aunts and uncles because he said, "I can't see Uncle Jim. He's mad at me." What's that about?

It's been too long since we've spent time with my side of the family. I'm thankful we get to see them soon. They are all going to get big ol' bear hugs.

"I'm strong!"

A Month of Gratitude: Day 10

I am grateful to have had the mom I had. I miss her constantly and wish she could have met Milo. I wish Milo could have known her the way my nieces and nephews did. Still, I'm grateful for the time I had with her. I am grateful for the things she taught me about being a mom. I am grateful for the things I learned just from knowing her and watching her. I am grateful for the how she raised my brothers and me -- the values she instilled in us. I am grateful I had her as a role model for the kind of mom I want to be.

Mom and the S.O. on my 40-something birthday

A Month of Gratitude: Day 8

I am grateful for furry friends. My dog, Ripley, has been a family member for more than 10 years now. She's getting along in years but she still wants to get involved in play time. She just doesn't have the stamina to keep up for long. She can be irritating but I love my old doggy. She been there through a lot of ups and downs.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 6

I am grateful for my brothers. I'm sure there were times, growing up, when I wished I were an only child. It wasn't always easy growing up with three older brothers and no sisters. I didn't make it any easier on myself by insisting on being a tomboy. I always wanted to play with the big boys but was often too small and/or too young to keep up (or avoid getting hurt).

Me and the boys

I learned a lot from my brothers. Most of what I know about sports, I learned from watching them play. From peewee football and baseball through high school, I was pretty much watching them play sports from the day I was born. I learned but I could never really compete with how good they were. And I never really learned to love sports as they did/do. But I appreciate the knowledge I gained.

Sure, they teased and tormented but they also protected me. They made me laugh a lot more often than they made me cry. Miles separate us physically now, but I think we're all pretty close. And they're all pretty good guys. For brothers.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 5

I am grateful for the S.O. I may not always show my appreciation, but I am so thankful to have him in my life. He is a good father and provider. He does a lot for others. And he can make me laugh -- even when I don't want to. I love him.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 4

Today, I have to express gratitude for my "sisters" -- the women who chose my brothers as their husbands (technically or not). Two of them have been family for a very long time and one more recently, but they have all made quite an impact on my life.

The two who have been in the family for a long time blessed us with one of my wonderful nieces and two of my wonderful nephews. The other "sister" brought my third brother much deserved love and happiness.

When I was little, I wanted a sister. As a teenager, I was glad I didn't have a sister because my friends and their sisters all seemed to hate each other and fight all the time. Sure, I fought with my brothers sometimes, but never over clothes or boys. When my brothers got married, I gained sisters. I can't imagine my life without them. And I can't imagine how my brothers would have turned out without their good influence.

A Month of Gratitude: Day 3

I am grateful for the young people in my life: my nieces and nephews, and my own little guy.

My nieces and nephews are all almost grown now. The youngest of them is nearly 18 years old. They have been a source of joy to me for their entire lives. It's because of them I finally decided I needed to become a mom myself.

Milo meets his boy cousins, Thanksgiving 2011

I missed out on a lot of day-to-day things in their lives, due to the miles between us. Whenever I get to see them and spend time with them, I experience firsthand what great kids they are. I've been lucky enough to spend extra time with one of my nieces and cherish that time so much.

The way my brothers and sisters-in-law raised these young men and women will be an inspiration for me as I raise my own baby. Even as my nieces and nephews move into their adult lives, they will remain little girls and boyss in my heart. Our relationships will change, but my love for them never will.

A Month of Gratitude

Halloween's behind us, and regardless of what the stores and television would have us believe, Christmas is still almost two months away. I won't go on about how commercialized Christmas has become. Charlie Brown bemoaned that fact 48 years ago, so it's not a new thing. And never mind that some retailers are starting "Black Friday" on Thanksgiving ("We're so thankful for all we have, we need to rush out and buy more!").

But I do think we sometimes forget Thanksgiving comes first, and it's kind of a big deal of a holiday. I firmly believe we should count our blessings daily. Sometimes we forget though, and a holiday all about being thankful for what we have is a good reminder.

In that spirit, I plan to fill my blog with a month of gratitude.

Today, I am expressing my thanks for the people in my life that make me feel needed and useful. They keep me grounded. I know I am loved.

Time flies

I'm so often amazed by the changes I see in my son that I sometimes forget that the rest of the world is changing too. Case in point, every summer for the past five years, my niece has come to visit. This year was no exception.

The first year she came, we did all the typical touristy stuff. She was 13 and looked like this:

The two summers after Milo was born were a little less exciting for her. The first summer, I had a 3-month-old and was exhausted from the every-two-hours 24/7 breastfeeding. But we still had some fun. And my then-15-year-old niece looked like this:

This summer, her visit was shorter (mostly due to our living arrangements at the moment) but it was probably the most fun since that first visit. She and I went to Paint the Town for some girl time without Milo or the S.O. We also did some shopping and made our annual trip to the zoo.

My little niece has grown into a young woman. She's smart and confident and totally opinionated. She's also beautiful. And loves her little cousin so much.

He loves her too, though you can't tell from this photo

I love this kid like she were my own. Her dad should be one proud papa. (I'm sure he is.) Too soon, she'll be all grown up, out in the wide world on her own. And she'll do great.

Moving on up

Sorry for the recent radio silence, but I'm back and making a concerted effort to write more.

We are in the process of moving into a new house. I say house because it won't really be our home. The plan is to stay there while we figure out where we want our home to be. Will it be in our current town? Will it be somewhere near by or somewhere far far away? We just don't know right now. And moving is stressful enough without having important things up in the air.

We really like our current neighbors, but many of them are also moving away, so it's time to go. Plus, Milo is young enough right now to not miss this place. Our next home will be the home we all chose together.

We have had many ups and downs in this house -- this home -- but it wasn't a place the S.O. and I picked out together. I moved in here with him. So, while it's been my home for the past eight years, it's never exactly felt like *my place.*

I think Milo is resilient enough to quickly bounce back from any stress he might experience in moving. And besides, he will get some extra time with his grandma -- who spoils him terribly. And he's getting some new toys out of the deal.

I'm sure the S.O. and I are also resilient enough to bounce back from the stress of moving. It just might take us a little longer. Grandma won't spoil us as much.

Friday Flashback

AKA "I swipe a Mother's Day post from my other now-defunct blog"

 

 Remembering the Cake Lady

Mom was always "the cake lady." Whether she was making cakes for her own kids' birthdays, graduations or weddings or creating elaborate cake concoctions for the celebrations of friends, neighbors and friends of friends, for several years there, it seemed like she was baking and decorating cakes 24 hours a day, seven days a week (she probably was!).

Sometimes the cakes were a source of fun and creativity. A lot of times, they were a source of headaches and annoyance. But everyone who knew Mom knew she was "the cake lady." And everyone always commented on how beautiful her cakes were.

This was long before Ace of Cakes and the dearth of fondant on cakes. Mom created scenes -- from roses to critters -- for the most part using butter cream frosting. Sometimes she would use royal icing, chocolate molds or marzipan when it was absolutely necessary.

Like so many of her talents, I didn't inherit the cake gene. I can bake a cake, but I can't make it look the way she did. She once made a cake that looked like a huge basket of strawberries -- the basket was "woven" with butter cream frosting, the handle was royal icing over wire, and the berries were made of marzipan. It was amazing.

Update: Since taking a cake decorating class, I feel better about making cakes for Milo and/or the S.O. but I'll never match Mom's talent. I sure do miss her.

Pride and Joy

Several times over the past couple of weeks, the folks at VillaKids (my gym's kids' club/day care) have told me Milo earned a star and a treat for being a good helper. They tell me he is quiet and well behaved. My initial reaction is, "Well, of course he is." On the heels of that comes the reaction of, "Wait. You mean MY Milo?" They tell me he is such a good boy, they wish all their 2-year-olds were like him. Again, I have to wonder where that kid goes when they bring my kid out to me.

First of all, I'm so proud of him for being well-behaved and helpful. And I'm really happy that he is good for them. I wouldn't want him to be the kid that makes people cringe. And he isn't a bad kid at home. He's actually pretty well behaved most of the time. But when he isn't. Well, let's just say he can be challenging, energetic and a little bit deaf, I think. Really, how many times can you say no to a kid and he just ignores you?

My mom used to tell me that my brother's teachers would tell her how polite and well-behaved he was -- at school. At home he was a holy terror. I know. I lived with him. (Those of you close to me know which brother I mean.) Milo is nowhere near that bad. Maybe because he doesn't have brothers and a sister to tease constantly. My brother grew up to be a responsible adult, a good husband and father. So I guess it all works out in the end.

And I know, for every 5:30 a.m. wake-up call from my boy, for every gallon of water splashed out of the tub, for every random toy chucked at my head -- or the dog -- there is a hug, a kiss, a "Hi, Mama" that melts my heart and reminds me that he is my pride and joy.

But maybe he could save some of the quiet for home too.

40-something, schmorty-something

As a 40-something mom of a 2-year-old, I sometimes worry that people will think I'm Milo's grandma. Some days are definitely better than others. I know it's vanity that makes me want to look younger than my 40-something years, but something deeper than vanity makes me want to feel younger.

Backyard bubbles

I suppose every mother worries about not being around for her child -- heck, I'm sure fathers feel that too -- but when you start out later than lots of other moms, you probably worry more. My family has mixed results when it comes to longevity. My paternal grandpa lived to be 98. My paternal grandma was in her mid-80s, having fought Parkinson's disease for many, many years. My mother's parents were both in their 70s, and Mom was just 70 when we lost her.

Active Mom does active stuff (at Milo's birthday party).

I try really hard to eat right (ish) and exercise on a regular basis. All with the hopes of living long enough to see grandchildren one day. Yes, I know he's only 2 and I don't want him to be a teenage father. So, I'll have to live well into my 90s to get the most out of grandparenthood. And I'll need to keep active so my grandkids don't remember me as tottering (or worse, invalid) old Grandma Pammeey. I also want Milo to remember his childhood as active, with a youthful-seeming mom.

It would be great to look like a 30-something mom, but the more important objective for me is to act and feel like a much younger person. Lucky for me, my high-energy toddler keeps me active, and I have a really good gym membership. And, in 30 or so years, I hope I can be an active granny too.

What I wish

Dear Milo,

I'm writing to you because your Grandma Louise passed away five years ago today and I wanted to say a few words to you about her. It's been hard living without her. And I wish she had gotten to meet you. And I wish you had gotten to know her and spend time with her. She would have spoiled you rotten.

Grandma Louise with your cousins Heather and Spencer

One day, you will have to ask your cousins about Grandma Louise. I'm sure they will have fun stories to share.

Grandma was a great mom. She did crafts with me and your uncles. She led my Brownies and their Cub Scouts. She let our friends come and play. She made us treats of all kinds when we had play dates and sleepovers. She made these amazing birthday cakes for us and played board games.

But she didn't let us get away with foolishness. Although, I'm pretty sure she let her grandkids get away with a lot more than she would have put up with from her own children. But that's OK. Grandmas are supposed to do that. I bet you would have gotten away with way more than I ever did. (Don't tell your cousins, but I think you would have been her favorite.)

How could you not be?

It may sound silly, but I think she's looking out for us still. I wasn't supposed to be able to have you, yet here you are -- beautiful and perfect. She must have had some say in that. She created so many beautiful things when she was alive, from her own children (yes, I include myself in that because I think I turned out OK) to crafts and cakes and memories. 

You will never want for love, my wonderful son, because Grandma Louise left you terrific uncles and cousins -- as well as in-laws and your own parents -- who were influenced by our love for this wonderful woman.

I wish you could have met her in person. At least I know that you will know her because she left such a lasting impression on all of us who did meet her and who love her dearly still.

She will always be in your heart, Sweetness, because she loves you, even though you never met.

Love,

Mama

Week of Gratitude: Thanksgiving Day

I am grateful for my wonderful Aunt Dianna. I'm also thankful my family and I get to spend this holiday with her. While no one can ever replace my mom -- or replace Milo's grandma -- Aunt D is as generous and kind as her older sister and reminds me so much of Mom. My aunt and I lost touch for a while but have seen a lot of each other since Milo was born. And for that, I am especially thankful.

Aunt D holding baby me

Aunt D holding Baby Milo

I wasn't as grateful as a baby as Milo was. Check out that smile for his Auntie!

I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!