Monday, April 4, 2011

No turning back now

Over the weekend, I had a bit of a meltdown. Deprived of sleep and home alone for a few hours, I felt there was no way I could do this -- no way I could have a baby and raise a child. And I'm fat and my hair looks terrible and, and, and.

I know it was raging hormones and a lack of sleep. I didn't reach out to anyone because it was a Saturday morning, and who wants to talk to a blubbering pregnant lady on a sunny Saturday morning. So I wept. And I stewed. And I tried to nap. When the S.O. came home, he held me and rocked me and assured me together we would do it ... and besides, there's no turning back now. Which is what I needed to hear. I needed that reminder.

As if to reinforce that reminder, I had a dream last night in which I could see baby in my belly. He pushed his feet so hard against me that I could see them as if my skin were transparent. Seeing the perfect outline of his feet -- which were huge, by the way -- made him all the more real, even if it was just a dream.

I'm still scared, filled with my always increasing list of what-ifs, but I know that I can handle it. Sure, there will be meltdowns. There will be pain (physical and emotional). There will be fights and tantrums and sleepless nights. But there will also be a family -- a mother, a father, a son. And we will make it work.


  1. I would have talked to a blubbering pregnant lady on a Saturday morning, promise, but that's OK. I'm glad you're feeling better now, or at least, more ready to handle a situation that's still scary. I think you need to demand hourly hugs from the S.O. from now on. :)

    But once you have that baby, honey, call. Saturday morning, Tuesday night, Wednesday afternoon or whenever. We who love you want to be there.

  2. You *will* make it work. Sometimes it's sooooo much work to make it work, but you'll do it and it'll be worth it. The best way to make it work is to know who's in your support system and rely on that system. Count me in, and call any time you need to.

  3. I have the best friends!