No turning back now

Over the weekend, I had a bit of a meltdown. Deprived of sleep and home alone for a few hours, I felt there was no way I could do this -- no way I could have a baby and raise a child. And I'm fat and my hair looks terrible and, and, and.

I know it was raging hormones and a lack of sleep. I didn't reach out to anyone because it was a Saturday morning, and who wants to talk to a blubbering pregnant lady on a sunny Saturday morning. So I wept. And I stewed. And I tried to nap. When the S.O. came home, he held me and rocked me and assured me together we would do it ... and besides, there's no turning back now. Which is what I needed to hear. I needed that reminder.

As if to reinforce that reminder, I had a dream last night in which I could see baby in my belly. He pushed his feet so hard against me that I could see them as if my skin were transparent. Seeing the perfect outline of his feet -- which were huge, by the way -- made him all the more real, even if it was just a dream.

I'm still scared, filled with my always increasing list of what-ifs, but I know that I can handle it. Sure, there will be meltdowns. There will be pain (physical and emotional). There will be fights and tantrums and sleepless nights. But there will also be a family -- a mother, a father, a son. And we will make it work.

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Today is not a good day. I don't feel good. Everything aches. Everything. My neck and head hurt. My shoulders and back feel stiff. I'm hungry and I just ate. Yesterday wasn't much better. I was bored but didn't have the energy or motivation to do much, and my emotions were kind of all over the place. The S.O. doesn't really get the whole pregnancy mood swing thing and forgets to be a little more sensitive.

Then this morning, on Facebook, my cousin mentioned how my mom used to send his kids Christmas ornaments each year around this time. Which made me feel kind of like a jerk for forgetting that lots of other people miss Mom.

Yes, I know it's the pregnancy. And, yes, I know it will pass. But ugh. I really don't like the aches and the big ol' pity party I feel like having right this minute.

Bonding with the bump

Because I suffered a miscarriage in the past and because I am considered "advanced maternal age," a lot of things about this pregnancy have freaked me out. I spent the first trimester in an almost constant state of worry ("almost constant" because nausea has a way of pushing other thoughts out of your head).

I know my anxiety isn't good for the baby and have been able to find ways to calm my fears and start to look ahead.

Recently, I read this article from WebMD about Bonding with Baby Before Birth. I found this part interesting:

Studies have shown that babies -- who begin hearing by the 18th week of pregnancy -- prefer classical music (Mozart and Vivaldi are good standbys), or any music that mimics the mother's heart rate of 60 beats per minute (lullabies and New Age music, for example). Hard rock is not the way to go here, especially since the amniotic fluid amplifies the sound.

I was always kind of skeptical about people playing classical music for their unborn babies, but now that I'm a mom-to-be, I think I'll have to try it. I know that listening to classical and/or New Age music helps me sleep when my mind doesn't want to turn off for the night.

Maybe I shouldn't be playing guitar or singing for baby -- I'm not that talented. And I had no idea the amniotic fluid amplifies the sound.

The article also tells me it's a good idea to touch my belly, either resting my hands quietly or gently massaging. I've done that. Something I haven't done that the article suggests is talking to Baby.

Talk to the baby. Say goodnight before you go to bed, good morning when you wake up, and talk to it throughout the day. "Newborns know their mom's voice after birth," (Marilee Hartling) says. "That's the voice they will turn to."

So, let me give it a try:

Good morning, Baby. I hope you slept well, because -- and this isn't a criticism -- you are really starting to make my hips hurt and make it hard for Mommy to sleep. But you know, I'm sure you're going to keep me awake a lot more than that and sooner than it seems. And I'm really looking forward to it. I can't wait to meet you.

Week 14: That was fast

I'm actually almost to week 15 at this point, but as I mentioned earlier, I was away from my computer during week 14.

My e-mail newsletter from Fit Pregnancy was not very informative for this week, telling me about tests I can have in the next few weeks and that I will probably have my first ultrasound (except I've already had two). I don't think they cater to older moms-to-be.

They do tell me:

"Most moms find that their nausea, mood swings, exhaustion, and other hormonally related annoyances are easing up, though symptoms may not completely disappear until after the baby is born."

That's pretty broad. You may feel better ... or not. My nausea is mostly gone -- as long as I don't allow myself to get too hungry -- but I think the mood swings and exhaustion are here for the long haul. Still, I don't think my emotions have been all that terrible, but you'd have to ask the S.O. to get a better answer. He's the one who has to live with me. I have a tendency to believe I'm always sweet.