5 Scary Things

With Halloween just around the corner, thoughts often turn to the spooky an the scary. I'm not afraid of ghosts or goblins or even zombies (OK. Maybe a little, cuz they want to eat my brains!) I'm more afraid of real things (and sometimes just reality in general). Some are silly, some not.

That said, here are the top 5 things that scare the bejeebers out of me:

1. Spiders -- Not all spiders, but brown recluse, black widows and others that can do real damage with their bites. And the harmless, but aggressive ones who will coming running right at you. It's just not right for something to think it can take on a human thousands of times its size.

2. Miller moths -- This is a totally irrational fear, again of something many, many, many times smaller than I am.

3. Small spaces -- As I've gotten older, I've become more and more claustrophobic. I can barely read an account of someone being trapped in a small space without feeling a tiny bit panicked. Maybe I'm turning into Edgar Allan Poe.

It's scary how much I love this little guy.

4. Road ragers -- And there are so many of them on the road. Where is everyone going in such a hurry that they're risking their lives to get there? I'm usually driving with my son. Which takes us to ...

5. Something terrible happening to my son -- This is the scariest of them all, and probably the most realistic. Terrible things happen all the time. The best I can do is protect him when I can and try not to dwell too much on it.

2 years

Dear Milo,

Happy birthday, my wonderful boy! It's hard to believe you joined our world just two years ago. My, how the time has flown.

Birthday cake!

 Sometimes the world is a scary ugly place (like the incident at the Boston Marathon), but when I look at you, life makes sense. You make everything better. I never knew I could love someone with such intensity and selflessness. In fact, I never knew I could be selfless at all. But I would give you anything I have to give.

You are smart and cute and you have an amazing sense of humor for such a small person. You make me laugh all the time. Over the past two years, I have written you monthly letters to mark your milestones. Looking back through those letters and all the photos I have taken, I am so proud of you. I'm so proud to be your mom.

Swinging with Dada at The Little Gym

We threw you a big party at The Little Gym, with lots of kids and grown ups. Everyone had a good time. Your Aunt D came from Kansas to spend time with you, and you learned to call her DeeDee instead of "uncle." You showed off your letter-reading skills and let her spoil you rotten. You got lots of great presents and had some yummy cake. But I don't think birthdays mean a whole lot to you yet. You're just happy to have lots of toys to play with and new books to read. All the great clothes Aunt DeeDee got you mean more to me -- you won't have to go naked this summer.

My first glimpse of you

I often feel like the day you were born was the day my real life started, like everything before that was just practice. I spent a lot of years not knowing I wanted you. Now that you're here, I can't imagine life without you.

We have a lot of adventures to take together. I look forward to them all. Happy birthday, Milo. I love you more than words can ever express.

Love,
Mama

Ray of sunshine

June has been one crazy month. My niece came to visit for three weeks, keeping Milo and me hopping. We had a lot of fun with her and it was a busy time.

Then, just a couple days after she left, a wildfire broke out here just outside town. The fire started in a canyon where my niece and I hiked a couple years ago.

She took this photo of me. I'm glad she saw it like this.

Now, it's gone.

While she was here this year, we hiked in Garden of the Gods. The authorities closed that park due to its proximity to the fire.  It's a blessing the fire didn't destroy this park.

But it destroyed much more -- lives, homes, businesses and a beloved Colorado Springs landmark. It's been a tough week for our community, one that brought out the best and worst in many people.

One day, I will tell Milo about this summer. I will tell him about the great fun we had with his cousin. I will tell him about our trip to the zoo, our visit to the aquarium, our hike. And I will tell him about the devastation the wildfire caused our town (and others across Colorado). I will tell him about the brave men and women who fought the fires. I will tell him about the other heroes, too -- the folks who gathered food and supplies, who opened their homes to evacuees and pets. I'm not sure how I will be able to bring myself to tell him about the people who broke into cars and looted evacuated homes and scammed good people into "donating" money, but I will. One day.

For now, I'm glad he won't remember the plumes of smoke rising above the mountains or the flames licking the trees and homes along the ridgeline.

 He has been a ray of light during these dark days. I will easily tell him that.

Testing 1-2-3

Because of my advanced maternal age, I have been offered birth defects screening. In fact, it's recommended. The S.O. and I have some differing views on the tests. Having suffered a miscarriage in the past, I worry about the risk of the tests. My doc says the risk of a miscarriage from the tests is about one in 250 compared to the about one in 40 chance of someone my age having a baby with Down Syndrome. (Side note: My doctor, who has been practicing in the area for several decades, says she has only had two patients give birth to Down Syndrome babies. Which makes me think the odds are a little off.)

My other issue with the tests is that nowhere do I read that these tests can DEFINITIVELY tell us that our baby WILL have a birth defect. They also can't tell us how severe the problem might be. On top of that, there are no tests for autism -- which is much more prevalent. And there's no test to tell me if my baby will grow up to be an ax-wielding maniac, a reality-TV contestant, a big jerk or a Nobel Prize winner.

At this point, I'm doing everything I can to nurture and protect this pregnancy. And I'm not sure these tests contribute to that. Am I afraid of raising a child with Down Syndrome? Honestly (and totally selfishly), yes. I am afraid. Because I don't know enough about it. Perhaps knowing ahead of time would allow me to prepare for such a life.

Of course, the other side of the coin is would knowing make me want to terminate this pregnancy that I thought wasn't supposed to happen?

I think I know the answer to that last question and I'm not sure the S.O. shares my view. Obviously, it's something we need to discuss more. And whether or not to have the first of these tests is something we're supposed to decide in the next week or so.

Is it better to know? What if the tests are all negative, and everything's fine, but I have a miscarriage?

It all makes me what to bury my head in the sand.