5 Scary Things

With Halloween just around the corner, thoughts often turn to the spooky an the scary. I'm not afraid of ghosts or goblins or even zombies (OK. Maybe a little, cuz they want to eat my brains!) I'm more afraid of real things (and sometimes just reality in general). Some are silly, some not.

That said, here are the top 5 things that scare the bejeebers out of me:

1. Spiders -- Not all spiders, but brown recluse, black widows and others that can do real damage with their bites. And the harmless, but aggressive ones who will coming running right at you. It's just not right for something to think it can take on a human thousands of times its size.

2. Miller moths -- This is a totally irrational fear, again of something many, many, many times smaller than I am.

3. Small spaces -- As I've gotten older, I've become more and more claustrophobic. I can barely read an account of someone being trapped in a small space without feeling a tiny bit panicked. Maybe I'm turning into Edgar Allan Poe.

It's scary how much I love this little guy.

4. Road ragers -- And there are so many of them on the road. Where is everyone going in such a hurry that they're risking their lives to get there? I'm usually driving with my son. Which takes us to ...

5. Something terrible happening to my son -- This is the scariest of them all, and probably the most realistic. Terrible things happen all the time. The best I can do is protect him when I can and try not to dwell too much on it.

Daddy Talk: Health wise

It always seems to happen around my birthday, something to remind me I am getting older. This year it was popping a rib during a deep breath. It eventually got mostly back into place, but during the visits to the doctor my blood pressure was much higher than usual. I usually have borderline high blood pressure. Somewhere near 125/85 is my average. But during that time, it was 150/110. Besides being a bit upset with my doctor for saying these things just happen, I was really worried.

I feel the aches and pains of getting older. I get hurt, and things heal just a little slower. I know it's nothing different than anybody else but I get more worried.

My dad passed away at 52. He was what would be considered a train wreck of problems: heart and lung problems, diabetes, Rheumatoid Arthritis, chronic infections, amputations. I think that covers it. It's a laundry list of things. Most of those I think I can avoid because I don't smoke and try to keep in shape but I still worry what's in store for myself and Milo.

I definitely worry about passing on something genetic. I hope the boy doesn't end up with the high blood pressure or the arthritis. I also really want to be around to see him grow up. If something were to happen when I'm 52, he'd only be 17. I don't want him losing his dad or being trapped by trying to be around to help his sick dad.

Daddy Talk: Being a parent

Boys will be boys and boys will bang their heads. I have plenty of scars to prove it. Plenty on my body and plenty on my dome. I know that one of those was because my uncle was bouncing us on the bed. I know he didn't mean anything by it but I took a wrong bounce and put the back of my head into the dresser. Left a nasty gash that had to be stitched up. I know my uncle never really got over it, it still makes him sad to think about. I think at the time my dad was deployed to Germany so he missed out. I never got to ask him how he felt about it.

It was my turn just recently, although not directly. I let my boy toddle right into the corner of a sliding door. Man, there was blood everywhere or at least it seemed like it. In reality it was maybe a teaspoon. But it was dripping into his eye and I couldn't do anything about it. The boy took it so much better than Dad. I was ready to bolt to get something, anything to fix that boy's face. All the planning I did for emergencies went away just like that. I didn't have my trauma kit, not even a first aid kit. I looked around and all I saw were paper towels. I couldn't use that, I was about to rip off my shirt until Pam grabbed a cloth towel used for decoration. It stopped the bleeding or at least caught it.

Pam calmed me down a bit and we waited til the EMTs got there to assess the boy. Most of the crying was done by the boy right after it happened. After that he was more upset about us fussing over him. This being my first rodeo I didn't handle it like I wanted to. I was ready to get going and get him fixed but I wasn't at all calm and steady about it. I had to get something done, anything. I know that's normal and these things happen. I think I should be proud I didn't bolt and held my son without getting queasy. And I need to thank Pam because she was calm.

Baby's first blood draw*

Milo had to have a blood test yesterday.

He was actually quite brave.

He wasn't very happy about it. And unfortunately, it revealed that he had a bacterial infection. On the other hand, it explains why he's had a fever since last Tuesday evening, and why we've spent the past week doing a lot of this:

He's been so lethargic. On the upside, I have been getting lots of cuddles.

Today, we had to go back to the doctor, and Milo had to get a catheter to check if the infection is in his urinary tract. It is. So, all the pain was worth it to find out that we can start antibiotics and he will start feeling better soon. In fact, since the nurse gave him an antibiotic shot, his fever has stayed down.

He even played for a while this afternoon.

Smiling

There's still a worry that perhaps he also has a kidney infection, but the antibiotics should take care of that too. We have to visit the doctor again tomorrow to make sure he's progressing as expected. But right now, he's sleeping quietly -- with no fever.

This isn't the first time Milo's been sick but it is the first time he's had such a high fever. And it's the first time we haven't really known what was wrong right away. It's been a stressful few days. Seeing my baby in pain has been painful for me. Wondering what was wrong and thinking of all the possibilities has been maddening. Even now, I worry about what caused the infection. Is it something physiological? Is he going to suffer from UTIs often? Was there something I could have done to prevent it? I may not have all the answers -- to these questions and others. No one ever does.

We just have to do the best for our kids and hope for the best. Sometimes you just have to let go and trust yourself. That's probably the hardest part for me.

*First from his arm. He had heel sticks as a newborn.

Daddy Talk: Sick baby

Milo's been sick for the last 5 days...gah.

It has been a tough set of days, the boy has had a high temp and been lethargic. There really aren't a lot of things to do with him but ride it out. I don't know what my parents did, probably the same things I'm doing: Worrying and administering ibuprofen.

One of the things I find hard about being a dad is being passive, relying on him to do the bulk of the getting well. It's really hard to watch him suffer thinking that I could help somehow but not being able to do much.

I don't think I will get past that feeling of wanting to help him whenever he gets sick or needs help.

No turning back now

Over the weekend, I had a bit of a meltdown. Deprived of sleep and home alone for a few hours, I felt there was no way I could do this -- no way I could have a baby and raise a child. And I'm fat and my hair looks terrible and, and, and.

I know it was raging hormones and a lack of sleep. I didn't reach out to anyone because it was a Saturday morning, and who wants to talk to a blubbering pregnant lady on a sunny Saturday morning. So I wept. And I stewed. And I tried to nap. When the S.O. came home, he held me and rocked me and assured me together we would do it ... and besides, there's no turning back now. Which is what I needed to hear. I needed that reminder.

As if to reinforce that reminder, I had a dream last night in which I could see baby in my belly. He pushed his feet so hard against me that I could see them as if my skin were transparent. Seeing the perfect outline of his feet -- which were huge, by the way -- made him all the more real, even if it was just a dream.

I'm still scared, filled with my always increasing list of what-ifs, but I know that I can handle it. Sure, there will be meltdowns. There will be pain (physical and emotional). There will be fights and tantrums and sleepless nights. But there will also be a family -- a mother, a father, a son. And we will make it work.

Week 30: OMG! Did I just type 30?

I had a dentist appointment this morning, and my wonderful hygienist was so thrilled to see my expanding waistline, we spent several minutes just chatting about the pregnancy. Last time I saw her I was technically pregnant but didn't know, and in those first few weeks, I did everything wrong. I had dental X-rays. I ate sushi. I drank beer. My doctor has assured me that Baby was merely going through cell division at that time and there was little chance of my hurting him way back then. And that huge lead apron must have done something to protect those little dividing cells, because here I am: 30 weeks pregnant.

Fit Pregnancy tells me at 30 weeks:

"Baby's length is about 16 inches—about as long as a laptop computer—and she measures almost 11 inches from crown to rump. She weighs approximately 2 1/2 to 3 pounds. From now until delivery, every baby will gain weight at a more individual rate. Your baby has doubled in height over the past six weeks, and from now until delivery, she'll gain only a few more inches in length."

Baby's brain continues to develop, and they tell me, his eyes are able to track light.

"Some researchers have theorized that exposing your belly to light may stimulate development. Try moving the beam of a flashlight slowly over your belly in a dim room, and see if she reacts."

If I try that, I will let you know the results. Baby is so active these days, I don't know if it would be a fair test, though.

They also say my belly is about the size of a watermelon (so now we're comparing me to food) but I'd say it's more like a basketball and reminds me of my medicine ball workouts from last summer.

One thing they don't tell me is how Baby seems to occupy all my waking thoughts. There are all so many things that have to center on Baby: doctor's appointments, eating habits, birth classes and other preparations. But even when I try to do things that don't center around Baby, he wiggles and brings my mind back to him. Did other moms experience this? Does it ever stop or is your child(ren) always on your mind, forever and ever?

What if I look like a bag lady?

Last year, I thought I would buy a new ski jacket. The one I have is 10 years old and starting to show its age. But after trying on a few and looking at the price tags, I decided the old one could last awhile longer.

This year -- although we've had a very warm October so far -- I know the coat(s) I have aren't going to cut it for the entire season. At some point, I won't be able to zip up the cute little shorty suede number, and even the ski jacket will probably get too snug to cover the growing bump.

My dilemma is this: Do I buy a maternity coat that I know I will only use for one season? Do I tough it out through winter, just not zipping up my coat, despite the fact that if the temperature dips below 70, I'm cold? Do I buy something cheap? Do I just forgo any kind of fashion and wear one of my significant other's coats (if it would even fit)?

I'm pretty sure I'm just looking for something to worry about that doesn't involve genetic testing and birth defects. But I actually am a little concerned about spending money on a winter coat that I'll just use for a few months -- even a coat from a consignment store or the like.

I worry about buying other things, too, like new shoes. I read that your feet sometimes never return to their pre-pregnancy size. And what about bras? The ones I have now are starting to ... um ... overflow a little bit, but I imagine they're going to overflow a lot more. So, I wait.

And I worry about buying clothes that won't get much use. And I worry about not buying anything nice and spending weeks at a time in my significant other's sweatpants and t-shirts.

I'm beginning to think I should have named this blog 40-Something Worry Wart or Come Worry With Me. Is it possible that I'll get all the worrying out of the way during the next 29 weeks and be a totally chill and relaxed mom?

Don't say anything. I already know the answer to that last one.

Constant changes, constant worries

It seems the nausea is easing up a bit. Considering I'm at nearly 11 weeks, I guess that's "normal" (by now, you probably know my views on "normal"). I'm still exhausted to the point that I feel like someone is slipping drugs into my food and drinks. I'm still breathless from a walk up the stairs. But the nausea has definitely eased up -- and by eased up, I mean I can tolerate most foods. There are still some foods that even thinking about them makes me want to gag, but it's getting better. I do have to watch what I eat because some foods do not sit well. And, to be honest, they aren't the healthiest choices anyway.

Of course, with the easing up of the nausea comes other worries. My biggest worry right now? If I'm not feeling like crap all the time, how do I know things are progressing? Yes, I'm probably a little crazy. Is that "normal?"

My next appointment with the doctor is in 10 days. That puts me right at 12 weeks. I really hope she will then be able to hear a heartbeat with her hand-held Doppler doo-dad. And, yes, I'm pretty sure I'm going to worry about that for the next 10 days.

Just your normal whining

I had absolutely no delusions that being pregnant at 42 would be a walk in the park. I'm really glad I was in good shape before I got pregnant because I can't imagine doing this any other way.

Is it really normal to already have hip pain? Back pain? Insomnia because of the hip and back pain? Are my boobs supposed to feel like they're filled with lava? I'm just past the 10 week mark. Does it just get worse from here? Is it my age or do pregnant women of all ages go through these aches and pains?

Being the worrywart that I am, I wonder about everything and whether or not it's "normal," realizing all the time that "normal" is a relative term. I read and am told it's "normal" to have morning sickness any time of the day through the first trimester. But it's not necessarily abnormal to have no morning sickness at all or for the morning sickness to extend well into the second trimester.

I have picked up "You: Having a Baby" by Dr. Roizen and Dr. Oz (yep, that Dr. Oz) from the library, based on a recommendation from the doctor's office. I've flipped through it. So far, I've not seen any surprises, and it seems that yes, most of the things I'm experiencing are "normal."

I've heard mixed reviews on "What To Expect When You're Expecting." Some people -- including one friend -- swear by it, but the nurse at my OB's said, "Stay away." She tells me there are scenarios in that book that in all her 17 years of practice has never heard of actually happening to a mom-to-be. Sounds like the kind of book that would keep me awake at night -- or, you know, keep me more awake at night.

On the flip side of the scary, another friend gave me a CD of "nurturing music" and a certificate for one session of hypnosis. And yet, despite my fears and aches and nights staring at the ceiling wondering and worrying, I have yet to listen to the CD or call for an appointment. I'm sure it will benefit, even if it just allows me to relax for a few minutes. But I procrastinate because that's really completely normal for me.